It doesn't feel great this week. I have plummeted into a downward spiral and can see what is happening only today after taking a breath.
Last week my 23 year old lovely daughter visited having a break from university. I was so excited and so were the kids, on the phone she was too and we were chatting the past few months like the old days. When I picked her up at the airport she was a bit cold but that was OK and over the next few days it seemed she was picking up everything I was saying and making it sound pretty bad. I have actively campaigned against racism and animal cruelty, especially in my younger years however everything she was saying made me feel like a great big bigot and an old-fashioned mind-made-up arse.
After about 4 days I said to her that I felt this and we got into a big fight and she said that she was anxious about coming and no longer trusted me. This was a massive blow and was really upset. I was the only worker in our family and raising 3 kids, buying a house & renovating a house working 16 hour days - I know she could have had it easier. I wasn't drinking then, that only started 2 years ago when she went away. She is still angry that I kept going back to the kid's dad - I understand that.
We talked about it the next day and got on much better then she flew home.
All I have wanted to do since she left was drink. I have looked up moderation drinking on about 7 websites and even started to plan buying some wine. In know this is the result of a problem.
I think the problem is rejection. Not coping with feeling rejected by my beloved daughter is my worst fear and am utterly feeling sorry for myself and trying to stay afloat. I am aware that although i have had so much rejection from men in my life - this is primarily because I chose unobtainable, non-committing males and was MY choice. Rejection though, has been a big part of my life. I know my daughter loves me but doesn't need me and this feels very painful. What a sad sack!!! It is probably healthy that she doesn't - what the hell is wrong with me!
I am taking the kids out to the beach (getting wintery now) and the dog. Going through my lists of what to do like I did during week one.
This totally sucks. I am so sad and feel like I would rather die than live like this. There has to be a fucking cure and off the "rat wheel" inside my head that I am a rejected failure.